I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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