Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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