She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
