I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
