I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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