Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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