I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Holy shit dude........stairs
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
