Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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