I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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