If i come over, it means nothing
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
