i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
