I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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