picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
