You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize