it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
