when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
