at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
