Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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