Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
