Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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