I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
