do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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