Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize