I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Life is so much better after having sex.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
