You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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