Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
