So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
we should paint friendship bongs
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
