we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize