how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
