I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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