Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
