God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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