so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
