toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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