I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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