btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize