I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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