Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
