Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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