____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
