ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
