I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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