my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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