Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
