I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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