i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
