I will die if light touches me.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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