Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
