the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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