He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
