Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
