it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
