listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
