I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
