I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
