She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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