Pants 0. Shit 1.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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