chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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