Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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