Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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