The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
