man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
