if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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