I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Bring me that man meat
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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