Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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