I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
